The Sewage Heart and a Burning Bush
For a long time now, I have felt the Lord calling me to write. In fact, I believe he began to call me to write in highschool. But, anyone who knows me knows tht I do not do anything until I am ready to do something. This stubbornness has been a blessing many times in my life, but it is also I believe one of my biggest flaws.
For these several years, I believe that my walk with God has suffered greatly because of this stubbornness. It seems that everytime I would begin to draw near to the heart of God, He would begin to request me to write my feelings, my lessons, my heart, and what he was teaching me. Then, I would withdraw. I suppose I felt a little like Moses at the Burning Bush:
But Moses said to God,” Who am I, that I should go to Pharoah and bring
the Isrealites out of Egypt?” Ex 3:11
My prayer became: “Who am I, that I should write? And what would you have me write? I am a normal person. God, I don’t even remember half of my life. I don’t have any marvelous stories, any great “awakening” salvation stories. I am just a girl, woman, mother, wife, etc”. Just until recently, I believed this anyway. I’ve always thought that not remembering half of my life was somewhat normal. Something that psychologists call normal anyway.
At the age of twelve, I lost one of my best friend’s suddently to a brain anuerism-type thing, and due to this traumatic experience I believe most of my memories, prior to age twelve, were pushed to the rear of my mind and only the occasional story from a friend or a family member would somewhat release a small dream like memory. It was also due to the loss of my friend, that I began to understand the uncertainty of time, and became a believer. In some ways, this memory loss worked out perfect for me. I was able to begin a fresh life, a fresh slate for God to begin working in my heart, my life, etc. I was not held down to the past, nor was I aware of any sins that I committed so a general “forgiveness” prayer seemed to work. It was great, only did I repent for current sins and only were my struggles recent ones, ones that were only connected to the present.
However (there always seems to be one), recently, probably because I am now an adult and at a maturity level both physically and emotionally that I could handle the past, the Lord it seems has opened up a great chasm between the woman who I thought that I am, and the child who I didn’t know I was. The two do not agree. I have due to this begun to be angry with God and have started to hate myself. During this hatred, I have pushed away a lot of people because my heart feels more like a sewage system than a playground. This sewage system is a tricky thing. One on which a road has been built upon that is fully functioning, but underneath the surface I have been drowning in the muck and schmuck. My constant fear is that someone in my life on the road would open the man-hole and somehow find themselves knee deep in my “sewage heart”.
The greatest part about discovering my sewage heart is that I now have something to write about (funny, God!). My most recent prayer is that God would change His heart-not mine on me writing. I have become masterful at excuses. I do not want to write because I’ve never been a talker and the only way to express my innermost emotions is through writing. See the connection–I do not want to talk about my innermost sewage especially to strangers who might condemn, or even worse those in whom I fear their opinion about me.
I suppose that God has called me to write to get over my fears, to conquer the things in which hold me back from communion with him. I am writing as part of a healing process completely led, mind you, by the Holy Spirit. This is a way for me to wade through the muck and junk of my sewer heart. I am not writing for you, although God wants that too (don’t ask me why), but this is about my journey with God. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or too, and I’m sure you’ll need popcorn because this journey isn’t easy.
You, as the reader, may wonder why even through my reservations am I writing this. Let me tell you, I do not want to, I have my feet in the mud, but am somewhat willing to move because God is faithful and has made it clear to me that I will not be alone!
For just as God told Moses at the burning bush, he is also saying to me: “I will be with you. And this will be a sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this montain.”
To be truthful, my feet in the mud is getting tiring, I am thoroughly exhausted. Oh, how I long to be on the mountain with God worshiping him from where he has brought me. And I long to say:
I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore, my heart is glad
and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
because You will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.
Acts 2:25-28
