Island Life, the string, and a mountain top
This last weekend (I’m posting this a few weeks late), although God did not reveal some “new” ideas to me, He did give me clarity to the last two years. Moments where I can say, “God, I didn’t see the point”, strangely, right now I have very clear hindsight and I’m learning what the point actually was.
Last weekend, I attended a women’s retreat through my church. One of the pastors at our church asked if I would share a brief bit of my testimony or parts of my blog. She had been reading my blog and knew that my blog and my story aka God’s story would line up perfectly with our retreat theme based on 2 Corinthians 5:17..”You are a new creation, the old is gone, the new has come.”
I was so excited. I’m a weirdo and have more fear about sitting down talking 1:1 about issues and personal stories than I do about sharing them to a room of people. The preparer in me began to read and re-read my old blogs. I originally had planned on talking about the old part of me. I was zoning in on that. Me = sewage heart and leprous soul. Still broken. Yet, as I began to move through the order of these blogs, I realized, that that me isn’t me anymore. Somewhere in the last few years, God has made me new!
Here is some reflections about me:
1. 2 years ago, I was barely able to utter or share my story with a soul. I was a bottled up. Out of my own fears and failures, I had allowed my guilt to dictate my life and had become an island. I had let them rule me. I didn’t get to my island easily either. I should have known when I left the safety of the boat or my relationships and began treading water that it was too much work to make it there, but I was stubborn and so afraid. If anyone had thrown me a life preserver, I would of let it go. The guilt caused me to look back and see a boat of filled with relationships drift away. It was swim harder to the boat or let the current move me to the island. I chose the island. But instead of just camping on it. I inhabited it. And I did so well, I made curtains and drapes of depression, decorated walls with self-pity, and loathing, and my furniture of the island was believing that no one on the boat wanted me to come back. The island was mine. Oh, how it was mine. It began to feel like home. I believe that I was pretty comfortable on the island, til I realized there was no getting off, no one was joining me. My island became my prison. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I was completely alone here.
It was through that realization two years ago, that I began my blog. I know now that God called me to write to get off that island. I know it sounds so silly to say this out loud, but I in my head believed that no one on the boat was coming back for me. They had all left. Writing became my friend, better yet my life preserver. God used that little act of obedience on my part to get me to put my feet back in the water and to contemplate maybe heading back out to sea. I wrote in my first blog that I was tired of having my feet stuck in the mud, and it couldn’t be any truer. I was tired! The last two years have been so difficult building relationships with others. For the first time in a long time, I’m living life honestly though. Cole and I were just talking about how much more open I am with our new small group. God used my writing in the beginning to give me the practice for honest living and community with others. For heaven’s sakes, I just shared my sewage heart at a women’s retreat of women who I have had to see again and again!
I began crying while sharing it. For those who know me, Know that I am not a crier. I explained to my friend Jessica that I began crying not our of fear or overwhelming sadness, but out of knowing that I am standing here a new creation. Someone who had lived in hiding and in darkness and is for the first time living in the light. In that moment, I experienced some tears of pure joy! For this moment, I am so grateful!
2. . In Luke 8: 43-47, Luke talks about a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years had out of faith touched the hem of Jesus cloak and it had healed her. I believe I had a similar experience, although I had not experienced the same disease as this woman. I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and prognosis of how that would play out in my life didn’t look good for me. In this moment, Jesus made it perfectly clear: touch my garment out of faith or walk away. I felt like in that moment my struggle for me was to reach out and grab a thread. But, I was obedient to the simple prodding and wrapped the little thread around my baby finger. That was all the faith I had to hold onto, what I didn’t realize, was unlike that woman who surprised Jesus, He knew I needed his strength to keep me there and he had a hold of me the entire time. My diagnosis I would later find out was wrong, but it hadn’t changed the fact that I had reached out to hold a string. I’m not a big believer on the “healing movement” mantra because I do not believe necessarily that having an enormous faith guarantees you healing, I believe sometimes Jesus uses our infirmities for His glory. However, I do believe that if we have true faith in Jesus he’ll always heal our heart and our souls. He did just that for me, He healed my heart because of my faith. Then he healed my head of a brain tumor. The first healing is the one that stands out more for me.
That moment for me was a line that had been drawn in the sand. I now understand and know that Jesus is worth trusting. I know that for me being diagnosed with a brain tumor would’ve been the worst possible scenario, and yet there wasn’t a single moment that I felt alone. If there had a been a physical healing or not, this one second where I reached out defined for me a moment where I said, “Jesus, whatever happens, I’m yours. If this brain tumor is here to stay, then I’m still yours”. I had to have faith. I feel better prepared for life now. I know that Jesus has my back, I just have to reach out and He’ll carry me. A friend of mine recently posted a facebook status, “I wish these good moments were here to stay. I feel like my life finally made sense, but instead it just seems like the floor is caving out from under me” My comment was something like, “I find that there will always be a floor caving out, life is full of them, but Jesus will be with you in the hole”. I have learned this lesson well.
I wrote two years ago, that I was wanting to worship God on the Mountain top even in the middle of the desert places that I longed to say, ” I saw the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope, because he will not abandon me to the grave, nor will your Holy One see decay.You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence”. Acts 2:25-28 I realized this weekend that God was giving me a mountain top moment. I have been in the desert for awhile, God brought me up to show me exactly what he has done in my life. I’m not saying these things out of pride, but out of pure wonder and admiration of who God is. I am for this moment so filled with joy just being in His presence.
I know these mountain top moments occur rarely in life. All but for a brief moment. As my father in law said once in a sermon (he’s a backpacker)(and I’m paraphrasing poorly), that mountain tops have a beautiful view. You can look out in any direction and see and admire the view, but if you look at the ground around you at the top it’s usually barren and nothing grows. I know I can’t stay here in this moment long, or my growth will be stopped, but for this brief moment I’m gonna enjoy the view and praise Jesus for who is making me become: His daughter, a new creation.
Colossians 1:20-22
20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
21Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of[a] your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation
