Frequent Flier or Failure?
Dear Lord, Here we are again. FAILURE. Lost. Broken. On the same dead-end routine. I’m tired of it. HELP ME. Make me motivated. Make me ready. Make me desire. I ask this not because I don’t want work, but because I forget to include you. I am selfish and I loose track of my time with or without you. I’m tired of letting days and weeks go by. I’m tired of my selfishness and my inability to get out of spiritual slumber because of it. Ignite and burn in me. Please, it’s what I am asking for and needing. Help me Lord to downsize my selfish life and increase your spiritual one. Amen
Lately, I’ve been making an attempt to be in the Word of God. As you can see, my attempts are futile. My existence in the God-story of life has been on detour. I have been cheating God out of a chapter or two and have been writing them myself. As you can see by my poignant prayer, I’m not a very good writer at least of my own life. I wonder how many people struggle with the same problem. Is it just me? Is it the human condition or do we sometimes get it right and sometimes not? I know its not me, these are more rhetorical questions, as I do realize the Bible is made up of people who were instead of “frequent fliers” in the God-story were “frequent failures”. Yet, God still used them for his purpose.
I can imagine Thomas saying similar things after doubting Jesus, or maybe Peter after denying Christ. The truth is, we all have a “frequent failure” card hidden in our back pocket. Sometimes, we might take it out show it, brag about how few miles we’ve racked up, or maybe we don’t even want to discuss it because we know our card has too many miles and we feel worthless. I am more like the hider than the bragger, but nonetheless, I am wrong.
As I have been in the Word off and on lately, I have felt God pointing out some things to me. I am convinced that Christ continues to show me these things so that I can move on from where I’ve been and move towards where He wants me to go. He wants me to as Philipians says, “press on towards the goal”. I know that God’s plan is bigger for me. I just need to get out of my own way, as I am my biggest obstacle, and stop dwelling on my failures. Through Bible readings in the gospel of Mark lately, I’ve discovered a pattern. I claim to be no Bible scholar, but I’m researching and I’ve come to the conclusion that Jesus through the gospel of Mark, more specifically Mark 10:13-12:12 showed me some ways to reconcile my stubborn selfish heart and my small dry faith to continue to be a part of the God-story whether we are “frequent fliers” or “frequent failures”. I am learning to understand that Jesus never asked anyone to turn in their “frequent failure” card and become perfect, rather He has asked each person to let him be the carrier of it.
He calls us to give him the card, so that we can say, “Yes, I’m a failure, but Christ carries my failures and uses it for His glory.” We must hand over the card so that we can learn more about becoming faithful, God’s faithfulness and be given more responsibilites in Christs Kingdom. Dallas Willard, author of Divine Conspiracy states, “If we are faithful to Him here, we learn his cooperative faithfulness to us in turn. We discover the effectiveness of his rule I with us precisely in the details of day to day existence”. More simply put, if we are faithful to God we learn more about God’s faithfulness. By understanding God’s faithfulness, Willard suggests that we will feel a sense of God’s work beside us.He then goes on to say that according to the parable of the talents (Matthew 25), “our Master says, ‘Well done! You were faithful with a few things and I will put you in charge of many things…for God is unlimited created will and invites us, even now, into an even larger share in what he is doing’”.
If I stay where I am and never trust Jesus with my card, I’m gonna miss out on experiencing God and His kingdom, here, right now. Why would I choose to do that? For me, sometimes the problem is not giving my card up, but rather how to keep being there and moving forward. God is showing me through Mark how to move forward and how to go from there. These verses will most likely invoke a blog series because they are weighty, and I have a lot to learn from them. It is more than I could possibly write in one sitting, and more than any readers of my blog would be willing to read. So stick with me and keep checking in for more………
My 11th Birthday
Just recently, I celebrated my eleventh birthday as a Christian. Yes, it was eleven years ago that one of my best friends died, and eleven years ago, I realized that without a doubt, death is inevitable unless we experience God’s grace through salvation. Pretty exciting stuff. I’ve been reading and re-reading my blogs lately and have realized that most of my blogs look at my sin nature. I don’t want to seem like I am hard on myself, but the reality is–I like my sin, I love sin a lot, and I write because I have to. I need to write down the things God teaches me as a way to move forward–to quit the sin and move into God’s presence. Writing is my evidence and reminders of where I’ve come from and the woman God is forming me to be. I never realized it before, but I’ve been a writer my entire Christian life.
I remember when Patricia died, her journals were left out on the table for mourning friends and family to look through. Although we each knew Tricia was an amazing person, her journals (her ideas expressed honestly and never expecting them to be made public) gave insight into the person she was that no one would’ve known. Truth be told, she was just as amazing inside and out. In 7th grade, shortly after Tricia died and becoming a believer, I began to journal. It became important to me.It wasn’t an intentional thing, more of a way I suppose to express myself and to write down who I was inside despite what was going on outside. I told my best friends and my sisters that if I ever died–please burn them! Do not let anyone read them! I haven’t decided whether people reading them is still an issue. I would be embarrassed, but they are honest that’s for sure! Read with caution.
Seriously, though, I literally have more than 25 full journals (I counted recently). My journals are not just a snapshot of my life, they are expressions of my faith. Shortly after beginning the daily journaling of my mundane life, I began to write down my prayers, answered prayers, and it became a journal to God and about God. I think God always knew I was meant to write His lessons for me.
As I look back through these journals, I am proud, horrified, and sometimes amazed at the mighty things God did for such a young teenager. I have written evidence of my “undying love for Cole” at our first meeting in 9th grade. The struggles with my parents during my teen years and the ups and downs of friendships are all there. There are several moments of spiritual clarity.
My best friend Jayme (Cole’s cousin) and I had planned a youth night at our church and invited another youth group to join us. We believed God would move in a way that most teenagers and even adults believe impossible. We met at the retreat, gave up precious time with friends, and prayed every hour for 10 min that God would stir. HE did! As we prayed, God poured in. Soon, we were finding other teens to pray with and before we knew it. A spiritual revival had occured and 30 or more teens were on there knees worshipping and praying out to God for change. It’s amazing the things I have forgotten. I am thankful that I remembered to write it down.
Unfortunately, there is a 5 year gap, where I have stagnantly journaled. Over a 5 year period, there is one journal with dates that disappear over several months or even years. I am disappointed to say that this one journal shows a direct reflection on my sin and my unwillingness to repent and learn from my mistakes. But, truth be told, God was faithful during those five years. Even though I didn’t journal, looking back, I can see the places where God was actively pursuing me and seeking me and directing my life to be in the place I am now. He blessed me despite my unwillingness. He made my cup run over-He didn’t need me, but He will use me and will use this time of unbelief for His will. I don’t know why or what for, but I am confident in Him for this.
Although, I am disappointed in myself for these 5 years of spiritual desert, I am now in the wilderness, and it feels good. I am in a state of fruition (thanks Esther for reminding me of this word).
Fruition-noun
| 1. | attainment of anything desired; realization; accomplishment: After years of hard work she finally brought her idea to full fruition. |
| 2. | enjoyment, as of something attained or realized. |
| 3. | state of bearing fruit. |
I know that at anytime I can choose to go back to the desert. It would be detrimental, but I am not above it. I am also not below moving into the promised land. But, humbly, I am moving forward–learning to be in the wilderness with God.
Phil 3:12-14 says, “ 12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
I am learning to keep Christ the focus. I’m praying for single-mindedness on him and focus to as my dad says, “keep on-keepin on”.
Lite Faith Diet
I’ve been on this diet for sometime. I’ve been loosing pounds. It’s really easy here’s the diet: be lazy, eat little, meditate little, and lo and behold you loose pounds. Unfortunately, the diet I’ve been on hasn’t really lost me any physical pounds, just spiritual pounds.
I’ve been on the “Lite Faith” Diet. This diet as stated above is really lazy. It involves “religiousity” but really no movement towards God, eating very little of God’s word, virtually no meditation and what should I expect? Moving mountains? The truth is I expected God to keep all the promises he promised when he stated in Matthew 17: 20 And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.”
I’ll be honest, I knew I had little faith, but little faith provides the impossible to be possible. It can move mountains right? God’s been showing me some different answers with better results to these mustard seed “Lite faith” diet questions. And, he’s been showing me that although little faith produces great rewards, large faith produces greater rewards.
It started a few weeks ago, I attended a Beth Moore conference. (By the way, never ever go to these unless you need change and to be challenged.) I was attending the conference on the heels of miraculous healing. (see There is a Season blog). Recently, I was diagnosed with having a prolactinoma brain tumor. Whether it was bad medical advice or Christ healing, I didn’t have a brain tumor! Praise God. God showed me through that experience that He is worthy to be trusted in. In that situation, I didn’t really have any control. I HAD to trust Him. Next, Cole and I had to trust in God and have faith that God would provide financial provisi0ns toward the extreme medical bills. And, He has. The hospital has forgiven the debts 100%, we’ve had a portion forgiven by 50%, and we’ve received over a thousand dollars from friends and family serving God by graciously giving. You’d think that after all this God faithfulness, that I would be ecstatic and I was, but it didn’t push me deeper than my mustard seed faith or really my “lite faith” diet.
At this conference, Beth Moore talked about Galatians 1:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. She challenged us to crucify our ego. To not just humble ourselves to God and move away from pride, but to get out of our own way. To stop saying we can’t or shouldn’t because of this. She reapplied the concept of the Old Testament righteous men and women who couldn’t do it on their own, and who honestly shouldn’t have been able to do it, but did because of God. Christ lives in us! In the Greek, this Christ living is the same word for morph. So the verse actually says Christ morphed in me. This idea of Christ being morphed in me is a new concept. If Christ is morphed into me, then I am Him. At least I should be. As you can see, once you understand that your ego is your biggest enemy, you can allow Christ to be morphed in you.
At this point, I knew my ego was a big part of my “lite faith” diet. My pride was not my issue (for once) rather the things that God was moving me towards that I let me talk myself out of. Once I laid that down, a strange thing happened. I ask God to show me what next? What do I do know without my ego in my way?
I believe God answered me, almost as clear as day He told me, “Get on your knees, I will do incredible things with you”.
What does that mean? I have no idea, I don’t know exactly what things God has in store, but I know they are going to be incredible. He’s called me to start a women’s bible study despite the fact that I am only 24 and feel that I am not a great “spiritual” giant, I don’t have it together, and really it probably won’t go well (see the ego problem)….truth is, He’ll use me regardless. It’s not really me, it’s him through me.
Additionally, he’s already proving that it is not enough for me to believe in God, I must move out on believing God. What I didn’t realize about Matthew 17:20, is there is a promise that a “lite faith” diet will produce some miraculous results, but in Matthew 17:21 it says, “this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting”. In order to move mountains, we better be praying and fasting.
I’m learning that faith is more than having a “lite faith” diet. It is constantly seeking God’s will. Crucifying our ego. Letting Christ morph into us. Faith is complete trust. It’s understanding that although we don’t know the answer or know the next step we do it out of obedience. Faith is never complacent it is always moving. Faith is to stop the laziness, stop the “prettiness” and move into the muck. It is not a pretty thought, it takes action. Faith requires prayer.We better be on our knees, so that God will do incredible things with us. He promised he would move more than the mountains!
There is a season…
My next blog was going to be about living in the light as a follow up to my darkness falls, but alas (that’s a funny word), God is teaching me something new this week, and I want to share it as an encouragement.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-13 (The Message)
1 There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
This last week has been a very trying time for my family, as most who read this blog series I’m sure have heard. For those who haven’t, I went to the emergency room a week ago due to some strange symptoms. I honestly thought I was pregnant, but had taken roughly 5 pregnancy tests over a 3 week period (and yes I wanted to be sure it wasn’t a false negative). I don’t have insurance like millions of other americans, and knew that hopefully by going to the hospital instead of to a dr. they are more willing to be forgiving on the bill when you have no money. What I was diagnosed with initially is called Prolactinoma, a small benign tumor growing on the pituitary gland in my brain which can have some awful side effects including infertility and with yucky hormone treatments would most likely go away, but if and only if we were to try to conceive later there would be 95% chance that the tumor would return. To put it plain and simple–I walked in for a pregnancy test and walked out with a brain tumor.
As you can tell, this little bit of news was devastating to Cole and I. Not only was the idea of a brain tumor and treatments a horrific thought, but for those who know us best, know that family is extremely important to us, and at age 23 this prognosis didn’t seem so great for adding to our family. This was our time to lament, to cry, to rip out. And we did. For the first few days (sun, mon, tues), we really struggled with giving this internal battle to God and trusting in His timing and purposes. We were attempting to control the situation ourselves and be in control.
By Tuesday afternoon, I was feeling hopeless. I had called 100’s of doctors for a follow up and to read results and all of which either wouldn’t take state medical (which we are in the process of getting now), no insurance, or if they took both they couldn’t get us in til June (a big problem for a growing tumor). At this point, I lost it, I just began to sob and cry out to God out of anger, resentment. This was my time to grieve, to yell, to breathe out.
God is faithful when we are honest and began stirring my heart to trust in Him. To allow Him to work it out. During this waiting period on test results, doctors, and my stubborn heart to finally seek God, God was quietly and slowly speaking to me. My heart began to soften, and finally I gave in, I gave him control of the situation.
This initiated the time to heal, to listen, and to cling to God. God told me to look at what he’s given me. A loving husband, a beautiful boy, and an ability to love both wholeheartedly and honestly. I’ve always known that Oren was the best thing for Cole and I, he grew us up and made us re-evaluate our lifestyle and our life with Christ, he initiated the moment for us to decide to stop living our parents faith and start accepting responsibilty for our own. I’ve always given credit to God for blessing us so early in our marriage with a baby for the internal changes in each one of us, even though we would’ve waited if given the chance. Through God’s prodding, He made me realize that maybe growing us up wasn’t the only lesson about God’s timing, Oren would give us. Now, would be the time Cole and I would’ve preferred to begin the family planning process. If God hadn’t given Oren to us so early in our marriage, I am certain that right now I would’ve been extremely angry not just sad with God for taking away my ability to have children and would’ve most likely stepped away from my faith. Thank goodness God’s timing is best and not our own!
As I learned to rest in his faithfulness and timing, I picked up my medical records on thursday from the hospital and didn’t open them until Friday night. Cole and I were sitting on the couch and decided to open them and read results (or make an attempt to). All the lab results, the way we were reading them, CT scan report–No noted masses, follow up with MRI and blood work. Blood work report–prolactin hormone normal, MRI report–No masses noted. The doctor’s most likely misdiagnosed! We didn’t want to get our hopes up, but we were elated and relieved!!
Monday, the date of our follow up with the doctor, proved to be more exciting. He confirmed that the results were negative for Prolactinoma–hallelujah. This was our time to heal, to rejoice and to cheer. I still may have thyroid problems so we are still waiting on results, and that is a little nerve racking. But, I’m content. God showed me that my life is good, my family is good. Although I’d like more, right where he has me is best. God just showed me how much he is in control. When I gave it to him, he comforted my heart about it and said to me, “This isn’t the end” I knew that I would be okay and that there would be kids in my future whether my own or someone elses would become mine to cherish and love as my own. It seems that once I finally gave it to him, the tests and everything came back negative. Like he was saying, Trust me and I will make you well. I love that!!
I feel like this last week was a test (a very expensive one). Not God’s but mine. I say that I really love and trust God, but do I? God this week showed me I can and when I will he will prove faithful. I love how Ecclesiates 3 ends, it shows my new atttitude towards God.
9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.
14 I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
15 Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That’s how it always is with God
Darkness Falls
Ephesians 5:8-13 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. for it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. Therefore He says: Awake you who sleep, Arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”
I’ve always believed the “light” to be a good thing, until it was my sludge and grim that was to be exposed.
This last year has been a very trying one, God began with me writing some things he was teaching me. As I began to write, journal, and have some silence with God memories and the things I didn’t know began to surface. Unfortunately, like many of us, I began to move those things deeper inside me. The things began to eat and me and I couldn’t stand who I had become. But, the unveiling didn’t stop there. It’s funny how one layer of the onion opens up to a deeper layer then a deeper one. God basically cut my onion in half and the juice just began to run and it hurt something fierce. It seemed the more God revealed the more I felt I had to hide the darkness. As I’ve stated in some earlier blogs, the darkness made me fearful to be me and fearful to express myself honestly. But, God thankfully doesn’t leave us laid open and bare to be inwardly wounded and alone with our sin and isolation. We’ve been talking about this “sin-isolation” in church recently through a Rated R series on sexual sin. It wasn’t through this study that I moved out of isolation, but the study helped me to reconcile my understanding in the sin process. The series asked me a few questions that I hadn’t really thought about
- When we allow sin to move us to isolation, what does that say about our view of God? For me, if I honestly admit it, during this phase of isolation (that is not a one time thing, but will occur time and time again during sin) I mis-believed that God was predictable, he loved me, but couldn’t love me through it. By putting it in Hands, the drama would be there with everyone else, He’d want me to confess and I wouldn’t be able to take it. God could love other people, but somehow I was unloveable and by admitting it to God it made it real, I had to admit I did it and I didn’t want to.
- When we allow sin to move us to isolation, what does that say about our view of ourselves? Isolation moves me to believe that I was different. My struggles are my own and I couldn’t handle the reprocussions of the sin if it was exposed. My misbelief about myself is that I wasn’t strong enough to endure, but strong enough to carry the burden silly isn’t it?
- When we allow sin to move us to isolation, what does that say about our view of our family, children, and friends (mostly the people we’ve chosen to surround ourselves with)? This part strikes me the hardest, I guess I didn’t really think about it in these terms in the midst of my sin, but looking back I can see that my misbelief was that once I moved past my misbelief about God and myself, I believed that those around me were so unpredictable and would offer no forgiveness or it would be broadcast to the world which is unforgiving in its very nature. Oh, the things we make ourselves believe….
In the 2003 movie, “Darkness Falls”, which in my opinion is a little ridiculous and unrealistic of a movie, there was a woman, back in the 1800’s that little children would take their old teeth (ones they had recently lost) to in exchange for a gold coin. A few years later, tragedy struck her, first a fire in her house which caused her to not be able to go into any type of light, and then she was hanged. The modern day town uses this original story as a sort of folk lore to explain the “tooth fairy”. The folkloric story goes that she can’t go in the light, and if you wake up and see her, she’ll kill you. A young boy who’s heard the story wakes up the night the tooth fairy comes and sees her, but is able to turn on a flashlight which pushes her back into darkness. The young boy grows up and becomes obsessed about staying in the light and if any darkness comes the “tooth fairy” comes out to kill him.
This somewhat ridiculous movie makes me wonder if it wouldn’t be more healthier to view darkness in the same way. Ephesians makes it clear that the darkness kills us it says, “Arise from the dead and Christ will give you light.” When we put our faith in Him, he’ll move us out of the darkness and into the light, but it doesn’t happen overnight. It took me a long time to get past my misbelief about God, myself, and those around me. I’ve learned that the darkness lasts as long as we let it. We can be free from it, and yes the light is a little blinding at first, but if we stay in it and we will live. LIFE, plain and simple, if it were for nothing else isn’t that worth it?
Confessions on Barbie, God, me and my messy spirituality
For the past few years, I’ve struggled greatly with how to express my faith and I’ve struggled to keep a relationship at all with Christ because of it. I’ve continuously blamed outside circumstances like school, job, work, family, busyness, etc or internal ones like pride, rebellion, God’s asking me to do what I don’t want to, etc. All of these reasons/excuses are all a part of the problem in the great struggle of living out my relationship, but I’ve come to realize lately that my biggest cause for this rift between expression of faith, relationship with Christ, and allowing the excuses to control my life is because I have been looking at my expression or relationship with Christ through Religious goggles.
It all started my junior year of highschool, I was a pastor’s kid (not that that is an excuse), and I was fast learning that adults and children in the church’s expectations of me far exceeded that in which I could ever achieve. I would receive comments from congregation members, “Ashley, I wish my girls would grow up and be as perfect as you are and follow the Lord just as you do.” What do you say to that? “Excuse me lady, but if you knew my heart you would know that it is far from perfect…please don’t ever say that again.” No, instead we are taught, nod your head, say thank you for the compliment and move on. Instead of clarifying the situation, I sat in silence. This wasn’t the only time silence became an escape, as a PK (pastor’s kid), comments like this became the norm. Even though I would cringe internally everytime I heard one, silence was easier than the truth. That comment proved to me that people expected perfection–perfection equals sprituality, and Christians are to be perfect. So, for much of the next 5-6 years, I sat in silence, too afraid to allow others to believe anything different, and too ashamed to admit that my heart and life weren’t perfect and that I would somehow ruin my reputation or my parent’s reputation if I said anything to the contrary.
Soon after highschool, I moved away to a “Christian” university. I was so excited to be moving away from living in silence. Allowing others to really know me without having to ruin anyone’s ideas of who or what I was quickly became an exciting aspect of beginning a life outside of a perfect fish bowl. What I discovered was even more devastating. Instead of people telling me I was perfect, they kept telling me I wasn’t good enough. It was like the perfection fish bowl contorted to a Christian bubble one in which there was no oxygen, no room for sin or anything that may seem a little different. There was a perfection mold and I didn’t fit. It felt like everyone kept saying, “Your a spritual giant when you’ve spoken in tongues, can afford the expensive clothes, feel blessed beyond measure, your life is under control, you never have a bad day, see God inside every moment, never stumble, never sin, _______________________ (you fill in the blank). Frankly, the way I see it–you’ll never fit”. As you can see, this wore on my soul. No matter what I did, I didn’t fit the mold and probably couldn’t so why try. At that point, I gave up, spiritually speaking. Soon after that I became a pew warmer. Well no–I wasn’t that, I more than that I was a dedicated and wholesome plastic religious woman of God. Hallelujah. My soul was corrupt, my life exuded Godliness.
I was a HYPOCRITE. A word I’ve always despised, and still do, but couldn’t admit that I had become one. My need to be Barbie, the ultimate woman model of perfection, caused me to have countless pointless relationships with friends, family, and others. My barbie-ism forced me to push others away, prevented confessions of sins to others, and ultimately living a life of complete and utter loneliness. Yes, you can have others around and still experience loneliness. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel loved unconditionally by others, I just felt I couldn’t share my inner-most with them for fear that I wouldn’t be. I’ve never wanted to be this, never thought I would and yet couldn’t be honest enough with myself to admit that I was. Without reasoning, I think that I thought everyone else was too. Church for me became a bunch of plastics exuding godliness with soul-corruption….and I think in most ways I didn’t see it wrong.
As a previous barbie woman of God, I’ve read James several times. I’ve always taken the wonderful verses of perserverence through times of trials, counting them pure joy, as a tool to endure whatever life throws at me, but I’ve never heartfully read the entirety of James, nor have I let them soak through my being and meditated on them. These few versus are actually only found in the beginning of James. The rest of James, unfortunately for me speaks about being true followers of Christ and to quit persuing religiousity. God has moved my heart in reading them…listen to this…(these are random versus found throughout James)
“Anyone who sets himself up as ‘religious‘ by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world….my dear friends, don’t let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ-originated faith….Dear friends, do you think you’ll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it?…Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That’s just great. Demons do that , but what good does it do them? …Is it not evident that a person is made right with God not by a barren faith but by faithful works? ….Boasting that you are wise isn’t wisdom. It’s the furthest thing from wisdom–its animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever your trying to look better than others or get the better of others things fall apart and everyone ends up at each others throats.
In the book, Messy Spirituality, Michael Yaconelli (a book Cole and I are reading to become life group facilitators) says some pretty profound things, things that have altered my view of my faith, my expressions of faith and who I am to others…
“Spiritual people also admit their unfinishedness. Unfinished means incomplete, imperfect, in process, in progress, under construction. Spiritual describes someone who is incomplete , imperfectly living thier life for God. The construction-site of our souls exposes our flaws, the rough-hewn not-finished, faith clearly visible in our hearts”
“[having] messy spirituality not only reminds us we will always be a work in progress; it also reminds us that the unfinished life is a lot more spiritual than we imagined”
“the church has communicated that competence is one of the fruits of the spirit and that therefore, spirtual people are supposed to live faith compentently. Jesus cares more about desire than competency.”
“No one can follow God and be comforable for long. Seek the spiritual life, admit your messiness, follow Christ wherever he leads you, and discomfort is right around the corner. “
I wish I would’ve read this book 5 years ago. It would have taught me then, that living for Christ is messy. ‘It’s far from perfect and as James makes clear
“Isn’t it clear by now that God operates quite differently? He chose the world’s down and out as the kingdom’s first citizens, with full rights and privileges. This kingdom is promised to anyone who loves God.”
Thankfully, God is a romancer who continually seeks us despite our failings and prods us to return to him.Through the book of James, I’m finally understanding what it means to be a true Christian . My prayers are becoming more honest. My life is becoming more honest. My friends are becoming more true. I am learning to speak to deny the things that are not true about myself and be silent when listening to God. I’m learning that I am a woman who wants a messy spirituality life…a true life with Christ…I’m shedding the plastic barbie and being Ashley.
I love the song from Derek Webb (one in which he has received a lot of flack from mainstream Christianity) for its honesty in his relationship with Christ…
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I?d ever need
or is there more I?m looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I?m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don?t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy
a husband?s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
……………..I hope to be just as honest. I’m done being plastic. I hope my life to you begins to look messy fully unfinished, a work in progress as my friend, colleague, family, spiritual ally, etc…hold me to a messy life, a messy spiritual life. Help me to air out my dirty laundry with you, maybe I’ll start to smell a little cleaner despite my messiness.
Being Silent.
Silence.
Silence is a deafening noise.
Silence is leaving your soul bare to express itself when you are too noisy to feel and too loud to understand.
Silence is listening to a voice that is easy to miss in a discordant life.
Silence is learning to find rest.
Silence is peaceful.
Silence.
Accomplisher or Destroyer?
Our LIfe Group at church, has decided to read James as a group. We are to read one chapter again and again each day for an entire week, then meet together on Tuesday nights and discuss what we feel God has been saying to us. This week: James 3. Unfortunately, I have been crazy busy and haven’t really been able to let the chapters sink in nor have I been really able to read and re-read each chapter until this week, when a series of unfortunate events including my family being sick with the stomach flu–do I have the time to read and linger in the word. Sad isn’t it, that God uses such disturbing things to grow us–I guess its the only way to oftentimes get our attention.
Anyway……
“….Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you’d have a perfect person, in perfect control of life. A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: you can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—its never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can’t go on…” [James 3 MSG]
When I read this, I’m reminded of a good friend who in their childhood was a little paranoid about making mistakes with their language or words. My friend, would say something out loud then mouth silently what he had just said to himself to be certain he said it correctly. Unfortunately, for him all of us kids around him thought his strange paranoid behaivior was similar to the old kung fu theater movies, and he became the brunt of a lot of jokes. Occasionally still today, a few of us will get together and play “who am I?” a silly game where we do some sort of mannerism of people we know and everyone tries to guess who it is. I’m pretty sure no one has ever guessed it wrong.
The saddest part about this little exchange is that I think he was on to something. Although he mouthed the words out of fear of how he was saying things, he probably made fewer “destroyer” words than anyone else I knew. “a word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything–or destroy it.” Wouldn’t it be amazing if we attempted to internally mouth the words before we speak them?
After reading James 3, I’ve begun to ponder many of the greatest disappointments of my life–few of them include people’s actions against me, I can’t remember those. I remember most of all the destructive words people said to me.
A person who was musically inclined and who was a “role-model” to me once told me , “you know your sister is a far better singer than you, I think your okay, but I think that she got the musical talent.” This statement said to me when I was roughly ten, still sticks with me today. In fact, for 6 years after this statement was said, I did not feel at all comfortable with singing. I would softly whisper songs during church too afraid of people hearing my okay voice. In my senior year of highschool, a woman whom I admire, and our worship leader overheard me singing from the front row in church during the worship service (I was standing there by myself and thought that the music was really loud, loud enough to cover me singing so loudly). She encouraged me to join the worship team and said that I actually sing quite well and would make a great addition to the team. I’m not trying to brag..honestly, but in saying that to me she accomplished something in me. I had no idea that singing was such a big part of who I am. It’s through worship that I most feel connected to Him and through being comfortable with my voice, I feel that I am able to express myself through singing to God–and although the quality of my voice shouldn’t matter, and doesn’t anymore the words expressed in my early years made me fearful of how I expressed myself to the Lord. How radical did my worship experience become when I wasn’t afraid anymore?
More recently, I have embarked on the new endeavor to start my own daycare out of my house to be able to stay home with Oren and to continue bringing in some income. Many of you who know me, know that I do not generally make rash decisions, and seriously thought hard and long about this decision–it took me roughly 8 months to finally come to the conclusion to quit my full time job, and it finally came after my daycare person told me Oren had taken his first steps the other day and they had forgot to tell me. I wasn’t mad, just bummed that I missed it, as I had his first word, rolling over, sitting up, etc.
Someone close to me basically told me that starting a daycare would basically amount to nothing, I would make no money in it, and that it is a waste of my education. I had begun to believe that, a little, maybe internally. But, it was starting to eat at my heart. Why after receiving a bachelor’s degree was I starting a daycare to work 12 hour days and make the same as I did when I worked 8? Why was I stressing so much to get everything done for a daycare liscense? Why would I choose to spend 12 hours of my day changing other people’s kids diapers? Then part of me, being the rebellious punk that I am–detemined to do it just to prove them wrong!
The truth is–the moment that my son became sick this week and I didn’t have to call an employer and apologize profusely for not being able to come in (I did have to call a few parents), and my son looked up at me and said, “Momma.” I knew that I had made the right decision and it doesn’t really matter what this person said to me. I love being home able to watch my son laugh hysterically during “mark it with an o” of “patty-cake” or when a you point and say “ball” to a picture of a ball and he giggles like your the stupidest person because, “hello mom–balls move, that certainly is not a ball”. I am able to be a part of his daily milestones. More importantly, I am able to make an impact on my son’s life that I was missing out on in the 3 or less daily hours with him, and I’ve been blessed to be able to do that for other people’s kids who unfortunately have to work.
I know we have a hard enough time controlling our own tongue-we shouldn’t expect others to be able to either. This week I’ve learned that I must let other people’s “small sparks” fly off of me and not let them be destroyers of who I am or who God calls me to be. I must find my accomplishments in Christ, and put on his flame-retardant armor and start watching my own words. The truth is, I don’t want to “ruin my world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on [anyone's] reputation”. Too often I have already done that, even this week, I’ve said some pretty destroying words to my husband, my son (although hopefully he’s too young to remember), I’m sure my friends, and if I am honest I’m sure my Savior as well. I need to take a lesson from my childhood friend and begin internally mouthing my words before speaking and again after–to possibly offer up the many apologies when I do make destroying comments. I need to start being an accomplisher–for my husbands sake, my son’s sake, my parents, inlaws, siblings, friends, etc. Maybe just maybe someday, by my words, I will help someone discover who they really truly are in Christ. At least I can make every attempt for I know “you can’t tame a tongue–it’s never been done” because “if you could find someone who speech as perfectly true, you’d have a perfect person, in perfect control of life.” That isn’t me, I’m far from perfect. But, I’ll work on it.
I ain’t got no….SATISFACTION!
Each morning sometime between 6:30 and 7:30 am, Oren wakes with a cry. And each morning, I wake up to him crying and I cross the 20 feet from my bed to his bedroom. Everytime I open his bedroom door, he is standing in the same corner of his crib rubbing his eyes and whining in the way that babies do. Before he knows I’m there, I say, “Good Morning, Monkey”. Instantly, a smile envelops his entire face and he reaches out an puts his arms around my neck and squeezes as if saying, “Oh mom, I haven’t seen you in so long, oh how I missed you.” Then we turn around and head back to mom’s bed to an eagerly awaiting dad and we play for about 15-20 minutes as a family. We rough house, practice naming facial features, and tickle, etc. It doesn’t matter how stressed I am in life, how I’m feeling, or even if it was a morning I hit the alarm clock 15 times to avoid waking up, I know that this one time of my day, I can laugh, giggle, be goofy and smile I can trust that for these fleeting moments my world is right. These moments each morning satisfy my soul. I delight in them. If for some reason these morning rituals are bypassed, my day is completely off and it makes me drag my feet.
I wonder what my life would be if I delighted in a similar experience and morning routine with God. Would I be the one to eagerly climb out of bed to say “Good morning God” or would I be the one whining, rubbing my eyes waiting for my Father to pull me out of the bed and in whom I would hug as if it had been too long? I’m not sure it really matters which I would be because both provide anticipation and satisfaction of the soul.
One thing I have begun to realize is I have, if you’ve read my previous blogs, a sewage heart, a leprous soul, and both are incredibly hollow and aching. I think just as my stomach growls when I am hungry, my soul has begun to growl in thirst and hunger. I wish to be satisfied in my soul. I wish to be satisfied at an even deeper level than I am each morning with my precious boy. I wish for a deep, fully saturiating, replenishing satisfaction of my soul. I wish to be as full as David when he wrote Psalm 63: 1-5
“Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.”
and this Psalm was written from David when he was in the Desert of Judah. Wouldn’t it be nice to have satisfaction of the soul from the Lord during our “desert” moments?
I’m pretty confident that soul satisfaction is not an easy resolution. In Psalm 63, David was already used to being fed, “I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your glory”. He had already developed a routine with Christ, one in which he obviously knew what was missing. He, I’m sure, had heard the earliest signs of his soul growls, I am sure I missed them pretty clearly.
Being satisfied of the soul requires routine. It requires a daily meeting place with God. I am sure that if each morning my routine with Oren wasn’t a routine, I wouldn’t know what to expect and it wouldn’t be as satisfying. Isn’t it said that only when you loose something do you realize the value in it? Well…I am realizing the value of missing my soul satisfaction.
Today I realized that I have been stuck singing ”I ain’t got no….SATISFACTION!” it’s been stuck in my soul for awhile, but I am thankful my new song is yet to be written and hopefully the words like David’s words will be “as long as I live”.
The Leprous Soul
So, this week I began a new life. Well sort of. Let me clarify…this week I began to confront the woman I do not want to be, and attempt to seek out the woman that God wants me to be. This week I began a new life. But, I think I’m starting at the end.
Two days ago, I saw a movie where a young man was in a car accident and lost his memory (oddly enough we have a lot in common), he was going to some life skills training to gain some sequencing skills, and one of his tasks was to tell his day from beginning to end. But, of course he could not complete the assignment because he was struggling to reconcile his regular routine with the life he wanted. His roommate, a blind man, said, “sometimes you have to start at the end of it and the rest will slowly come together.” I believe that this blog is doing that: starting at the end and moving to the beginning in order to reconcile my regular routine with the life I want.
Yesterday, I received an email from my father –in-law, a simple question followed by no explanation. It simply read: “What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?” At the time, I didn’t think I was suppose to answer it. I thought maybe since my father-in-law is one of those deep thinkers, that the question was more rhetorical. I honestly believed the question itself was written to evoke deeper thought. I didn’t really believe that he wanted an answer and I’m up to my head with personal changes anyway, so I deleted it. But, the reality has set in a day later. I have begun to ask myself, “What is it, Ashley, that you would hope to change, but probably never will?” It was not until tonight at 10:30 pm that I have had a ding-ding (this is what I say to my client’s when they complete a goal) moment.
Earlier this week, I finally through many God-promptings decided to pick up a book called “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore. I have felt the urge to pick it up several times, but have never done so, because I am the queen of excuses. I convinced myself that “breaking free” would take a lot of time and energy. None of which I am the proud owner of. However, after several weeks, and an internal battle, that I finally lost, I began perusing the book. The first chapter is called From Kings to Captivity. It talks about the mistakes the Old Testament kings committed which led to their captivity and the conduct in which they escaped captivity. One king in particular has fascinated me, here is his story.
2 Chronicles 26:16-21, “But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God, and entered the temple of the LORD to burn incense on the altar of incense. Azariah the priest with eighty other courageous priests of the LORD followed him in. They confronted him and said, “It is not right for you, Uzziah, to burn incense to the LORD. That is for the priests, the descendants of Aaron, who have been consecrated to burn incense. Leave the sanctuary, for you have been unfaithful; and you will not be honored by the LORD God.”Uzziah, who had a censer in his hand ready to burn incense, became angry. While he was raging at the priests in their presence before the incense altar in the LORD’S temple, leprosy broke out on his forehead. When Azariah the chief priest and all the other priests looked at him, they saw that he had leprosy on his forehead, so they hurried him out. Indeed, he himself was eager to leave, because the LORD afflicted him. King Uzziah had leprosy until the day he died. He lived in a separate house—leprous, and excluded from the temple of the LORD.
Notice the word PRIDE in the first sentence. Uzziah’s pride led to his downfall. Pride is a funny thing. I have found the definition of pride. PRIDE: satisfaction of your achievements, unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (as in one of the deadly sins). PRIDE: Ashley Nicole Chambers.
The truth is that I am prideful, but not in a loud boisterous way that everyone sees blatantly. No, my pride is worse. My pride is the type that is contagious and permeates those around me. My pride directs me to be critical of those around me, and to myself, and to believe that if I were given the same responsibility or task that I could and would do better. My critical mind reasons with me to have expectations of people that they can never meet. More importantly, I have found that my pride has caused me to even ruin the LORD’S temple. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body” (1 Cor. 6:19-20). My body, my mind, my soul have been ruined with a critical spirit. In fact, I can see that my critical spirit has caused me to be angry towards God and others and has caused me to have leprosy of the soul. This leprosy and anger have caused me to create a large rift between God because I have felt afflicted with guilt and stubbornness and unfortunately have made the claim “the LORD afflicted me”. And if not healed, my leprosy will cause me to be excluded from the wonderful gifts of His Kingdom.
I have been prideful, I have judged, I have been critical, and I have thought that I could do it better. I have leprosy of the soul, sewage of the heart, and I’m sure I’ll discover a great many more disgusting things infiltrating my being as I seek out Christ’s Kingdom. To answer your question Joe, pride is my downfall. Pride is the one thing that I wish I could change, but probably never will, not on my own anyway.
I am thankful that unlike Uzziah, I have a cure for leprosy of the soul, and a way to prevent death and worse exclusion from the LORD. I know that it is in Christ alone that there is a cure for “The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! (2 Cor 3:17).
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! – who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save:
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
‘Til He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!
Amen? AMEN!
So, to sum it all up…read the top of the blog again.
